May 27, 1960
Born in Rochester, Minnesota exactly 37 years after Henry Kissinger
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1985
Drops out of Bowling Green State University Philosophy program
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November 1987
Becomes press secretary to Arizona Governor Evan Mecham just in time to see his boss impeached for obstruction of justice and heaved out of office
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February 14th, 1992
Signs a contract to represent primordial Bill Clinton bimbo eruption Gennifer Flowers, which leads to her appearance on the December 1992 cover of Penthouse
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September 1994
Sells the infamous Tonya Harding/Jeff Gillooly Wedding Night Video to Penthouse, where it becomes the magazine’s largest-selling video ever
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April 1998
Brokers secondary Bill Clinton bimbo eruption Paula Jones’ appearance in a nude layout for Penthouse
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December 1998
Negotiates two-time Olympic figure-skating champion Katarina Witt’s nude appearance in Playboy
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November 11, 2003
Sells topless photos of Iraq War rescuee PFC Jessica Lynch to Hustler publisher Larry Flynt, who in a burst of unaccustomed good taste, declines to publish them
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March 2005
Obtains 8 hours of decades-old recorded phone conversations between Michael Jackson and an unnamed nine year-old, which since they contain nothing incriminating, Schmidt markets as proof that Jackson must be innocent of child molestation charges.
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May 2005
Nude photos of Oscar-winner Jamie Foxx purloined by one Mark Fithian, somehow find their way into Schmidt’s hands. Following pointed, out-of-court negotiations with Foxx’s lawyer Martin “Mad Dog” Singer, pix are returned to Foxx.
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July 2005
Former Playboy playmate Nicole Narain brings Schmidt on board to distribute the infamous sex tape she made with Miami Vice star and rehab alumnus Colin Farrell. Pointed, out-of-court negotiations continue with Farrell’s lawyer, Martin “Mad Dog” Singer. A court date has been set for July 2006.
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November 2005
Schmidt announces his plans to star in his own porn movie with former “Mrs. America” Jill C. Scott; film is to be directed by porn actor Ron Jeremy and distributed by Larry Flynt.
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February 2006
Goods from a storage locker rented by Paris Hilton including computers, 18 personal diaries, compromising photos and sex toys were mistakenly auctioned off for unpaid rent, and resold by a third party to Guess Who? Schmidt has set an opening bid for their return of $20 million.
Elapsed time: 13:25. Go, man, go!
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