This week in world events

Exhale (Snort, Snort) Whitney Houston was accused by sister-in-law Tina Brown of abusing crack and sex toys, hallucinating about demons and locking herself in her bedroom for weeks at a time

Naw, they were just Tom’s cue-
cards for Mission Impossible 3 Scientology elders were spotted carrying six-foot placards into Tom Cruise and Katey Holmes mansion. The white posters were covered with reminders for Holmes to stay silent when she gives birth, like: "be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable"

It wasn’t me, it was Whitney Houston Nicole Ritchie denied a story circulated by director Kevin Smith that she’d had sex in a toilet stall with Clerks star and ex dope-fiend Jason Mewes

That’s not what Lindsay meant when she talked about the big dickhead That 70’s Show’s Wilmer Valderrama claimed on the Howard Stern Show that Jennifer Love Hewett, Mandy Moore and Lindsay Lohan had all been great in bed, and in addition to all that, he had an 8-inch penis

But officer, I was just aiming it at Russell Crowe Notoriously Ill-tempered supermodel Naomi Campbell was arrested and charged with second-degree assault for bashing her housekeeper in the head with a telephone

He gets to rip off an Iraqui terrorist’s bra It was announced that Boy Soprano Justin Timberlake had been cast as the Rambo-like lead character in an upcoming action-adventure film set during the Iraq war.