Since you've been gone....

Uhh, step back from the car, Lindsay Vehicularly challenged Lindsay Lohan (three traffic accidents last year) was sighted at General Motors' money-hemoraging Saturn division's unveiling of three new vehicles at NYC's Hard Rock Cafe

Separated at birth Hilary Duff's long-lost twin sister was spotted at a recent Avril Lavigne performance

While you're at it, could you find a foster home for Kevin? Britney Spears and husband Kevin Federline were visited by children and family services when their baby Sean fractured his skull in a fall

I guess we'll make it back on the video After paying a 48 year-old Sharon Stone $14 million to reprise her role as Catherine Tramell, Sony Pictures watched in horror as Basic Instinct 2 staggered to a mere $5 million in domestic box-office in its first 2 weeks of release

I was channeling Marlyn Monroe at the time, and I thought he was Jack Kennedy Paris Hilton momentarily forgot Hugh Hefner's name when she sang Happy Birthday to him at his 80th birthday celebration

It'll be almost enough to buy his nose back from Kate Moss Michael Jackson contemplated selling 25% of his billion-dollar publishing company to cover hundreds of millions in debts

That might just cover a 2-week cruise with Pete Doherty For $50 million, Courtney Love sold off a 25% interest in the Nirvana back catalog to Larry Mestel, a former general manager of Virgin Records

This week in world events

Exhale (Snort, Snort) Whitney Houston was accused by sister-in-law Tina Brown of abusing crack and sex toys, hallucinating about demons and locking herself in her bedroom for weeks at a time

Naw, they were just Tom’s cue-
cards for Mission Impossible 3 Scientology elders were spotted carrying six-foot placards into Tom Cruise and Katey Holmes mansion. The white posters were covered with reminders for Holmes to stay silent when she gives birth, like: "be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable"

It wasn’t me, it was Whitney Houston Nicole Ritchie denied a story circulated by director Kevin Smith that she’d had sex in a toilet stall with Clerks star and ex dope-fiend Jason Mewes

That’s not what Lindsay meant when she talked about the big dickhead That 70’s Show’s Wilmer Valderrama claimed on the Howard Stern Show that Jennifer Love Hewett, Mandy Moore and Lindsay Lohan had all been great in bed, and in addition to all that, he had an 8-inch penis

But officer, I was just aiming it at Russell Crowe Notoriously Ill-tempered supermodel Naomi Campbell was arrested and charged with second-degree assault for bashing her housekeeper in the head with a telephone

He gets to rip off an Iraqui terrorist’s bra It was announced that Boy Soprano Justin Timberlake had been cast as the Rambo-like lead character in an upcoming action-adventure film set during the Iraq war.

"Sultan of Sleaze" David Hans Schmidt: Ticks on the 15-Minute Stopwatch

May 27, 1960
Born in Rochester, Minnesota exactly 37 years after Henry Kissinger
Elapsed time: 10 seconds

1985
Drops out of Bowling Green State University Philosophy program
Elapsed time: 5:15

November 1987
Becomes press secretary to Arizona Governor Evan Mecham just in time to see his boss impeached for obstruction of justice and heaved out of office
Elapsed time: 6:50

February 14th, 1992
Signs a contract to represent primordial Bill Clinton bimbo eruption Gennifer Flowers, which leads to her appearance on the December 1992 cover of Penthouse
Elapsed time: 8:00

September 1994
Sells the infamous Tonya Harding/Jeff Gillooly Wedding Night Video to Penthouse, where it becomes the magazine’s largest-selling video ever
Elapsed time: 8:25

April 1998
Brokers secondary Bill Clinton bimbo eruption Paula Jones’ appearance in a nude layout for Penthouse
Elapsed time: 9:15

December 1998
Negotiates two-time Olympic figure-skating champion Katarina Witt’s nude appearance in Playboy
Elapsed time: 9:40

November 11, 2003
Sells topless photos of Iraq War rescuee PFC Jessica Lynch to Hustler publisher Larry Flynt, who in a burst of unaccustomed good taste, declines to publish them
Elapsed time: 10:05

March 2005
Obtains 8 hours of decades-old recorded phone conversations between Michael Jackson and an unnamed nine year-old, which since they contain nothing incriminating, Schmidt markets as proof that Jackson must be innocent of child molestation charges.
Elapsed time: 10:20

May 2005
Nude photos of Oscar-winner Jamie Foxx purloined by one Mark Fithian, somehow find their way into Schmidt’s hands. Following pointed, out-of-court negotiations with Foxx’s lawyer Martin “Mad Dog” Singer, pix are returned to Foxx.
Elapsed time: 10:30

July 2005
Former Playboy playmate Nicole Narain brings Schmidt on board to distribute the infamous sex tape she made with Miami Vice star and rehab alumnus Colin Farrell. Pointed, out-of-court negotiations continue with Farrell’s lawyer, Martin “Mad Dog” Singer. A court date has been set for July 2006.
Elapsed time: 10:48

November 2005
Schmidt announces his plans to star in his own porn movie with former “Mrs. America” Jill C. Scott; film is to be directed by porn actor Ron Jeremy and distributed by Larry Flynt.
Elapsed time: 12:50

February 2006
Goods from a storage locker rented by Paris Hilton including computers, 18 personal diaries, compromising photos and sex toys were mistakenly auctioned off for unpaid rent, and resold by a third party to Guess Who? Schmidt has set an opening bid for their return of $20 million.
Elapsed time: 13:25. Go, man, go!

The week's biggest stories so far...

Do you wanna touch me Aging rocker and noted kiddie-porn consumer Gary Glitter was sentenced to three years in prison in Vietnam for pedophilia








Hey, Loretta, we may just have found something you do well Britney Spears was rumored to be pregnant again









Quick, lifeguard, throw me that anvil Courtney Love offered to help fellow musician Pete Doherty with his drug-addiction problems



We know it's a boy because on the ultrasound he gave us the finger Russell Crowe revealed on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno that his wife Danielle Spencer was scheduled to give birth to a boy in June or July

Current Vegas line on the Oscars

• Odds that the broadcast will wrap up on schedule (150-1)
• Odds that Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhall will be prominently photographed with their girlfriends (Even)
• Odds that host Jon Stewart will mention Brokeback Mountain, George W. Bush, and Danish caricatures of the prophet Mohammed in the same sentence: 4-1
• Odds Jamie Foxx will try and solicit a date from the podium: 6-1
• Dead actor/actress likely to get most applause when the obituary reel is shown: Anne Bancroft (5-1); Richard Pryor (3-1); James Doohan (10-1); John Mills (15-1); Shelly Winters (2-1); Chris Penn (30-1)
• Odds that the Best Foreign Film winner will say something critical about US foreign policy (3-1)
• Odds that the Best Foreign Film winner will say something complimentary about Hollywood movies (50-1)
• Odds that Jennifer Anniston and Angelina Jolie will be shown on a split-screen sometime during the show (8-5)
• Most likely political statement made by a winner from the stage: We have the right to offend followers of Islam with obnoxious editorial cartoons (3-1); We have the right to offend evangelicals with positive onscreen portrayals of homosexuality (5-1); We have the right to offend right-wingers by celebrating McCarthy’s downfall (8-5); We have the right to insult the intelligence of nearly everyone with this crass promotional gimmick disguised as an awards show (25-1)
• Odds that somebody will mention that George Clooney is still single (6-1)
• Odds that nominated song It’s Hard Out There For a Pimp will not be given a musical presentation worthy of its name: 8-5
• The most long-winded speech will come from: George Clooney (20-1); Steven Spielberg (10-1); Philip Seymour Hoffman (20-1); Keira Knightly (6-1); Academy President Sid Ganis (Even)
• Odds the most embarrassing unscripted moment will involve Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, or King Kong: 4-1
• Odds the most embarrassing scripted moment will involve Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, or King Kong: 2-1
• Most unlikely nominated winner: Joaquin Phoenix (15-1); Matt Dillon (20-1); Judi Dench (25-1); Paul Haggis (40-1)
• Odds Russell Crowe will throw a cell phone from the stage in jest: 20-1
• Most likely sentimental winner: Reese Witherspoon (8-5); Woody Allen (5-1) Steven Spielberg (8-1) Dolly Parton (Even)
• Actor least likely to be trusted to present an award: Charlie Sheen (10-1) Christian Slater (15-1) Mickey Rourke (35-1) Tom Sizemore (50-1) Courtney Love (85-1)

The week's most compelling news....

Currently estimated at 64% of those known to Charlie Sheen After learning that estranged husband Charlie Sheen had been unfaithful on their recent Barbados vacation, Denise Richards visited California’s Thousand Oaks Medical Center to have herself tested for what a source referred to as “every disease known to man”

And doctor, there’s this Pete Doherty guy who claims to know me Kate Moss spent four hours with London neurologist Nicholas Page being tested for short-term memory problems

But I swear he never leaves his toddler’s car-seat Britney Spears was rumored to be regularly seeing her ex 55-hour husband Jason Alexander

We’ll see if Janet or Mariah are doing anything that evening Oscar-winning Miami Vice actor Jamie Foxx revealed that he wanted a big-boned date for this years Oscars, saying “a woman's posterior is the key to my heart”

I promise I won’t take them anywhere near Charlie Sheen Actor and noted party animal Christian Slater has asked for joint custody of his son and daughter in papers filed with his ex-wife Ryan Haddon

Hey, if it makes Jamie Foxx smile when you walk towards him, why not Basic Instinct 2 star Sharon Stone let it be known she wasn’t a fan of the current fashion for push-up bras: “Frankly, I find the acres of shoved-up boobies so much more horrifying than walking across the room nude. [It] looks like you have your ass on backwards”

Christ, can he at least slap the babes around? New James Bond Daniel Craig revealed that he can’t drive Bond’s classic Aston Martin DB5 because it has a manual transmission, and that he’s terrified of handguns

Co-starring Kevin Federline as Ghandi Paris Hilton was mentioned as a possibility to portray Mother Teresa in a film biography planned by Indian filmmaker T Rajeevnath

Britney or Dick: Who's the better role model?

Spears: Recklessly drove her SUV with her 4 month-old son in her lap
Cheney: Accidentally shot 78 year-old hunting companion in the face while out shooting quail
Edge: Dick

Spears: Had driving license at the time
Cheney: Was not licensed for hunting birds at the time
Edge: Britney

Spears: Initially tried to escape notice
Cheney: Initially tried to suppress story
Edge: Tie

Spears: Immediately became the butt of jokes by Jay Leno, Jon Stewart, and David Letterman
Cheney: Immediately became the butt of jokes by Jay Leno, Jon Stewart, and David Letterman
Edge: Tie

Spears: Blamed the press
Cheney: The White House blamed the hunting companion
Edge: Tie

Spears: Apologized publicly for setting bad driving example
Cheney: Has not apologized publicly setting bad hunting example
Edge: Britney

Spears: No charges laid
Cheney: Given a warning citation by Texas Parks and Wildlife
Edge: Britney


Spears: Criticized as “irresponsible” by US Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta
Cheney: Criticized by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals president Ingrid Newkirk
Edge: Dick

Spears: Extenuating circumstances—married to Kevin Federline
Cheney: Extenuating circumstances—works for George W. Bush
Edge: Dick

Final Result: Tie